If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
