So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
