I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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