Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
