hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
