I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
