We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
