I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
