I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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