I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I could fuck to npr.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
