We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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