I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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