im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
