i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
