I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
