I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
