just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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