omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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