just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
