I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
honey bunches of taint.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
