I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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