im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
