Nicole vs. Life
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
two words...techno handjob
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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