dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
