just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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