Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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