flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
