We won't sleep together?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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