Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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