I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
