Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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