we have officially lost it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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