remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
