you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
