Me too!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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