I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
