The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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