Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
