Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
