just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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