I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
