well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
