I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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