haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
