Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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