I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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