i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
