i just wanna soil my oats bro
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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