I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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