I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
